March 27, 2021
Actually I'm not in the park. I'm in the front living room. And I'm not with George. He's in Johnstown visiting his family and his Uncle Joe, who is in the last stages of Multiple Myeloma.
The boys are asleep at 11:47am because - teenagers. And I would be, if I still could. That ability seemed to stop in my late 40s. This morning I woke up from a stressful dream that involved being in a hotel in London (I think), trying to get home on an airplane, finding myself somehow naked in the airport and trying to get help. For some reason I ended up in a very nice set of offices run by Sigourney Weaver who helped me get clothed..and connected me with someone on the phone who subsequently diagnosed me with something that kept me grounded and not able to get on my plane. I felt naked and helpless and someone else was determining my fate who didn't know me or my condition. I was trapped and scared and in someone else's hands.
That's how I woke up. That is sort of how my life has been feeling since the last administration and crazy people have taken over and sanity no longer reigns. Just this week the state of Georgia, pissed because the majority of people finally were able to dethrone the Republican miscreants who were their senators, decided to enact Jim Crow-level voting restrictions.
My God, I can't believe this is America. I want out if this is what we are turning into.
I've been up for hours and the boys are still sleeping and one thought just keeps drumming in my mind...who am I when I am alone? I feel so comfortable in the marriage that George and I have made. I am so happy being the Mom of my wonderful boys and my one remaining daughter (the other has banned me from her life). But when they are not around at all, what is left?
This question more than any other haunts me. I was so lost before I became a mom and then later, found George. Myself alone seems to have no reason to be on this planet. I think most of humanity is a disaster (and this last 5 years has just confirmed that) and as I get older, the constant pains and fatigue from my myriad of ailments is just wearing me down.
I'm tired of being in mental, emotional and physical pain. Living for the sake of living just isn't in me and never has been.
I've lived a long and interesting life. I've lived multiple lifetimes, multiple families, multiple careers, and multiple homes. I've honestly outlasted any dream I've ever had for myself. I don't really have a dream that I want enough to use up my remaining energy.
Well, possibly Hawaii. I do have a part of me that wants to live in a little house on the North shore of Kauai and walk along Halanalei Bay and eat roasted cinnamon nuts at sunset. I could make that dream happen...if I have the energy and will ...maybe.
But I'm running out of both. I've got probably another good 10 years to do stuff and another 10 years after that of waiting to leave this planet. Not alot to really get excited about.
I do try. I ballroom dance and try not to see how it's getting harder. I play the flute and try not to think about the day I won't be able to blow hard enough anymore. I paint..and know that I can probably do this forever, but for some reason the joy of painting has gone for me. I miss it.
I'm in a strange place in my life. I dread getting out of bed in the morning because the back pain starts and doesn't let up until I lay down at the end of the day. I do try. Every day. But I don't know what or how I'll do it when there is no one here to do it for.
I think my last prayer will be that I'm not left alone.
Or I'll have to get another little white fluffy dog.
Dang.
