Too much information, not enough relief

Jan 27, 2023

I realized we are living in unusual times - for us. The information stream is endless and seems to all be dark, sinister and depressing. 

We are living with the result of decades of back-office deep conservative politics that are now running our government and it's chaos. Simply chaos. The 118th House of Reps is a comical and awful disaster. Watching Kevin McCarthy have to go through 15 rounds of votes and give up endless favors to the MAGAs was just astounding. It hadn't happened like that in over a century..and the last time was the result of Civil War fallout.

I've gone back to taking my anxiety meds daily and more often. Medical marijuana seemed to be the trick - and I got an official card - but it brought back my menopausal hot flashes in a major way, so that's not something I can do often. I got smart and turned off my Twitter notifications and am waiting for a new platform that's not run by neo Nazi Elon Musk. He's just awful.

The laws that Trump and his ilk have committed are now being addressed but the cases they will need to clean up their mess are endless and it will clog the courts for years.

Thank God my kids are out of public school but the GOP are ruining them as well. All they do is tear things down without a decent plan for replacement that will include everyone. They want to eliminate SS and Medicare and replace with a GD 30% sales tax! They are nuts!

I've been tired my whole life of stupid people. I feel like Sheldon Cooper. And now the stupid people are running my country. I feel so bad for my children who have to navigate this hellscape and don't have a chance to succeed the way my generation did. Bad and guilty.

And honestly part of the reason it is so bad is that my hubby is on the conservative side of any argument. Not Maga and not Trump, but still listening only to the GOP. I'm smart enough to understand the things they are doing wrong but not conversant enough in economics and finance to counter his arguments, so I just say silent. Horrible things go on daily and we don't talk about them at all.

I understand why I depend on social media and my girlfriends so much - it's the only place I find sanity.

But it sucks and the anxiety continues. Prayer seems hopeless but I am trying to meditate. The MAGA right has made Christianity a laughing stock and I can't feel comfortable with it right now. Christianity seems ridiculous. 

I have so much to be thankful for - a beautiful home, family and life. Medications and adaptations to make living work for me. Enough money to send my kids to college and stay with us as long as they need. Lovely grandchildren. Hobbies and work to keep my brain and soul mostly satisified. 

But the world around me is hell. 

Damn.

Tweet Hell

Too much time on Twitter.

Too many awful and crazy stories and people running around and running the GOP.

TOO much to stay sane or calm.  

I almost lost it today.  

Two hours, 1 Xanax, 1 guided meditation

With incense and candles and 1 15 minute ballet practice at my new ballet barre and I'm 50% ok.

I'm not sure how this or I will end.. but it's going to be interesting. 

And wow the Blogger app sucks

Happy dream

I had a lovely dream last night that gave me hope for my sanity. I dreamt that I had moved once again and was in a school. I asked to exchange one of my classes for a dance class and they did. It seemed like a school of the arts. I realized that it was always so important for me to dance. Which makes sense of my grief knowing I can't dance like I once did.  

But...I realized that moving from place to place so often in my childhood may have helped prepare me for the eternal changes in this body and in this life. I constantly change as I age and need to adapt. I think my childhood keeps me do that.  

It was a small but happy awareness. I will adapt. I will make this life my own. 

The purpose of life is.. . life

Driving hours and hours down a flat highway with the family to another wonderful vacation at Disney again, I'm haunted by one thought. What is the purpose of our life? Town after town with houses and businesses separated by stretches of land. Without the hustle of a big city, you realize how much nothing surrounds us.  

   Every morning, why do we wake up? To do what? Survive? Gain adulthood, create more of us and take care them so they can....survive and procreate. There's really nothing else involved. Life is just perpetuating itself to ensure its survival. Thats all. There is no "great purpose" to creatures. We are just nature at its latest manifestation.

    This was so fine until we got our cute wrinkly brains and started to be self aware. We watched ourselves do this and wondered... why?

    Without the tools and knowledge of science, we started creating myths and legends to create order out of chaos. Then governments. Then religions. 

    Those discoveries let us to wonder and awe at our surroundings. Led us to comfort in higher beings and an afterlife. But none of that is the reason we are on the planet. 

     Because we have no reason. Our purpose 

is to live and survive. Help others survive. 

Help our society survive. Period.

     At my age, it's almost calming to realize there is no achievement to be reached, no finish line. Just survive and help others survive.

Amen