June 15, 2021
"When have you felt most attractive? Has your perception of what "being attractive" means changed over time?"
"What is your favorite inspirational quote?"
These are the questions my photographer posed to me for my "50 over 50" shoot this week. Whew.
The second one is easy. "Do everything with so much love in your heart that you would never do it any other way" by Guru Desai. I've lived by that for 30 years-or really, all my life.
The first one really has me stumped, though. In reality, I'm still searching for it now and it's one of the reasons I decided to do this photo shoot.
I've always wanted to be photogenic - but I'm not. That fact doesn't hurt at all anymore, it's just a part of me, like the color of my hair or my eyes. I don't have the bone structure that the camera loves. So it was hard to find myself attractive when I didn't see a reflection of it in photos early on. It helped so much when I had someone tell me that I am much prettier than my photos. I still choose to believe that 😁
I was an adorable child, but as I always say, "puberty hit me hard". My soft curls turned into a wiry bush of hair that grew straight out, not down. I got crazy ugly 70s glasses and metal braces in the same 4th grade year and that took nearly a decade to grow out of.
I would say that I "grew into" my looks and really loved who I was in my 30s. I had lost my baby weight after college - and the baby weight of having two daughters after that. I finally learned to dress my body in the way that flattered me most, which was very hard for me, since I have zero fashion sense. I grew into a woman and a working mother of two who was very proud of her accomplishments and children. I realized I liked the way I looked...and had my very first photo shoot where I loved what I saw. This was the most attractive I ever felt and it was surprising and wonderful!
And I finally left my relationship with a man who didn't think I was anything special at all - or very attractive.
By the time I remarried at 39, I really did finally feel like a beautiful bride this time. My husband loved me and saw me the way I saw myself. It took almost 40 years, but I was happy with the way I looked and who I was. It was a golden time and I was so grateful. It took so long, but I really appreciated life and I was so grateful that I looked young for as long as I did. I felt that not aging somehow made up a little for the fact that I had never been a beauty as a younger woman.
By the time I was 49, I had given birth to 2 boys in 2 years (one was even over 10 pounds!). I had been diagnosed with a connective tissue disease and fibromyalgia. I also developed a serious spinal condition and needed major surgery to stabilize- not correct- it. My concept of myself and my "attractiveness" really took a hit. I realized I would never again be the "me" that I had learned to love. I added constant pain and endless fatigue to my life. It was a serious adjustment - and one I continue to make.
For a while, I had a cane and a handicapped tag on my car. I wasn't able to keep up with my friends and family and activities and it was hard to keep feeling like myself. The pounds started to creep on because I couldn't keep active like I used to. The grey hairs and age spots and wrinkles started. I was fortunate in one area...I didn't finish menopause until I was almost 59, so I kept alot of the worse aging issues at bay longer than some women.
Now, at 59, I realize I am entering the beginning of the sunset times of my life. I may still have 20 or 30 years (my mom passed away at 65), but I now know that those years will be a steady stream of gaining grandchildren and pounds while losing abilities and family and friends. I have lived the prime of my life and, as should happen, I now look like my better physical days are behind me.
This is what I'm dealing with and why I decided to do this project. It is a snapshot of the decade like my other photo shoots from when I was 30, 40 and 50....but it is also the first one where I am truly aware that I am documenting the beginning of the ending of who I am and will be. I will continue to exercise and eat well, ballroom dance with my husband, travel with my family, play with my grandchildren and paint and sketch and learn the flute. But I will increasingly have to choose what I use my precious energy on as it gets more and more scarce. And one day, I will give up using that energy to dye my hair or draw my eyebrows or even stand up straight. I will use it to hug my kids and grandkids and paint and sketch and love. And not worry about my looks or being attractive anymore. I'm hoping that my family will think my chubby graying self will be adorable as she is. 😊
I am so grateful at least that I was able to have a time when I felt beautiful and thin and attractive. It wasn't a guarantee in my case and I truly appreciated it.
Come to think of it, this will probably be my last photo shoot, because from here on, the beauty I build will be within, not without.
Thanks, Tracy :)
