Autumn update - adjusting to the new normal

October 9, 2025

Life is still crazy. Crazy Drump is sending the National Guard into peaceful Democratic cities he hates. ICE has gotten a X10 budget increase and are using BlackHawk helicopters to drop onto Chicago apt buildings and zip tie all the residents, including children. Mike Johnson keeps sending the House of Reps on vacation because they don't want to deal with the Democrats budget requests or the Epstein files. All just normal every day USA right now. It's a real WTF world we live in.

At home, George is part of the government that will be on furlough if the House doesn't reconvene and the IRS runs out of money. Erin got laid off from her job at NAVA and is back working at Red Robin again - along with Shayla in her first job. Danny hasn't made any progress getting a job. And Ben is just chugging along in college with no real issues as usual - such a sweet potato of a kid :)

I'm gearing up to retire soon - at least before George does in April. I asked my boss if I could reduce my hours again, down to 10 hrs/wk, but so far, so progress. I didn't think I'd be ready, but I definitely am. I reached my 10 year anniversary coding with St Agnes/R1 and it has been great and perfect for my needs, but retirement is the way I want to go now. I am more deconditioned and exhausted by the day. I hope retiring helps both of those.

But the reason I got on today is because I realized that without my phone in hand - or being on the computer - I have totally lost my ability to plan my own time and days. I have been reading like wildfire for months to keep myself from being totally bogged down by the horribleness of reality, but when I don't want to do that or be on the phone, I'm floundering.

Every year since 2016 I've also painted less and less. And it really hit a roadblock when I starting trying oil paints last year - and it didn't go as well as my other artwork had done. And my mind is fighting it every step of the way. So after MONTHS and months, I figured I'd go back to acrylics and that might be working. I am determined to learn how to paint clouds, because they bring me such joy and I really need that!!

So - I thought getting on here would keep me from doomscrolling again and maybe head off to something else I enjoy. My legs are shot but I REALLY want to find a way to dance and feel steady again. Fingers crossed. But then again, I'm 64 and I've been physically disabled for over 15 years now, so that might work too well. But really, without something like that, I really have nothing to look forward to.

I mean, we have trips planned for next year (Kauai for our 25th anniversary in June and RCCL cruise to Bermuda in Sept for my 65th birthday), but I'm terrified I won't be healthy enough to enjoy either of them. Last time in Bermuda, I had heat exhaustion while walking around and I was so pissed. 

I keep trying. I try everything I can. But my options seem more and more limited as time goes by.

Let's hope next entry here is more optimistic :)

L.

Another day, another panic attack

 May 5, 2025

It's so hard to even function as a human right now. Can't just turn on the news to hear what's going on because the whole country is on fire (metaphorically). Can't enjoy or relax or do anything because my brain has just shut down and joy is so far away I can barely remember it. I'm just glad I'm on antidepressants or it would be unbearable. Now it's just ....yuck and damn.

I've been wanting to blog for days but didn't have the ability to make myself sit down and type this out. I've been therapeutically doom scrolling for days, just walking by my painting room day after day and not able to get back to it. So I feel like a failure and imposter on top of everything.

I had an awful Zoom chat with my dad and stepmom last week where my dad showed just how much he doesn't understand that black people are part of the middle class, too, and my stepmom just showed that she needs to bait me to talk about political things that she has no clue about.

It was so enlightening that I saw that she baits me. And I realized that, like most other MAGA, she needs to argue with non-Maga people to feel something. Not sure what - anger, relevance, justification of her bad decisions and hatred? I'm not sure, but now that I see it for what it is, I hope it doesn't trigger me again. I'll just tell myself each week:

She is baiting you to get you engaged in argument to make herself feel important.

It's not about who's right - I obviously am, since I have more experience about most of the stuff that she brings up - it's about her making someone else her scapegoat. 

The more she argues about her side of the case, the more she thinks she is right and the more powerful she feels. It doesn't matter what I say. It never did. 

The best thing I can do is ignore and laugh at her.

I guess laughing at my stepmom won't fly, so ignoring will have to do. It doesn't make me wrong, it takes her power away. She isn't trying to be right, she is trying to be loudest to make herself feel better. Leaving her alone in her statements only makes her feel worse. 

Let her best friend be Fox news...that's who she'll end up with when Dad goes.

And sad as it is, I won't have to have contact with her anymore, thank God.

Happy Monday and Cinco de Mayo :)

A new (broken) America

March 6, 2025

It's a crazy time to be an American. At least for a sane person. First month after the disaster took office the second time, the country and the government are in shreds - and so is my mental health. Thank God for Crown Royal, Xanax and medical cannabis or I'd never sleep.

I feel like all of us are just treading water watching the Titanic sink. 45/47 has torn up all our long time alliances with Canada, Britain, most of Europe and Mexico. It's heartbreaking to watch him insult and punish our friends and family in those countries. He's let the Muskrat tear through the government deleting posts and departments and firing career employees just because. I have only hated one person in my life before now (my ex's 2nd wife who tried to blow up my relationship with my kids), but now I can add 2 to my life - 45/47 and Muskrat (I will NOT used their names out of disgust). I could add Mike Johnson and most of Congress who are either blackmailed or cowed by the President enough to go along with every stupid and cruel thing he wants to do.

So, where is our family is this little mess? Hanging on, waiting for the other shoe to drop. After 13 years of some part time remote work, George is being called into the office full time. And it's STUPID and bizarre because ALL of his work is in remote meetings with people who AREN"T IN THE SAME STATE HE IS. So the commuting and gas is just a waste of his time. I can't even.

I've had to change my retirement plans. I had planned to retire on Social Security after my 64th birthday this fall and simultaneously apply for SSDI (SS disability) to see if I could qualify and get my full (67yo) SS benefits - but they are tearing apart the SSA offices now and firing a huge percentage of the staff, so they are predicting SS payments will be disrupted - and I don't want to be in the middle of that. So for now, I'll plod along at my 20hr/wk job and be grateful I don't HAVE to rely on SS right now. However long that will last.

The feeling of not knowing what will happen in the world is sort of like COVID in a way. We know something awful is out there and that it will kill some people (taking away veterans services and SNAP benefits, USAID, federal funding for childhood cancer and vaccine research, etc) and we don't know when it will end. I don't feel like I can plan for the future and want to just stop spending on everything. We moved our investments into bonds because the stock market crashes every other day when Trump opens his mouth with some new idiocy. It's not a great way to live, but what choice do we have?

Well, the anticipation of disaster is over at least. Now, we survive the daily dumpster fire that is known as America.

Lost and floundering

Jan 5, 2025

Getting through each day is getting harder and harder.

I'm sure it's related to the state of the country and the new President being an absolute mental case. I know we will all suffer from enormous greed and stupidity. I will be glad if we only lose money and not our Freedom of Speech and other rights. It's just so incredible and frightening.

So - given that, I'm sure that would make anyone feel bad. I'm fighting depression, anxiety, artist block and health issues that make me tired and nauseous. 

I'm so sad right now because I haven't felt like painting for months, so now when I try, it's obvious I need practice. But the practice is so embarrassing and not enjoyable at all.

Football has been 24x7 for hubby now so we aren't doing much together. I don't try to watch football anymore, because I barely have interest in the things I love, much less the things I don't care about.

I walk around all day not knowing why I am on this planet. I never felt purpose until I had children and then I was laser focused on them. Now, after 40 years, I am finally done with that and the purposelessness is drowning me.

What can I do? I can't become a political activist (although I do email and post on my SM, but that's not much) because of my health and it would strain my marriage - which I love. Politics didn't matter when we fell in love and married and I won't let it ruin it now.

I try to find meaning and purpose. Keeping the house clean. Organizing the chaos of life. Little things, but there is really nothing. I've lost the ability to dance. I can barely exercise, although I am trying to do a little every single day just to create a habit. I'm also trying to do something with art every day just to keep my hand in it, regardless of the quality. I'm really trying.

I've been trying to find reasons to stay alive, other than for my family. Nothing is working.

But I'm so lost and floundering. I keep looking for something fun to watch or pay attention to, and there's just nothing. Everyone is waiting for the other shoe to drop, including me.