Marriage and Dog Poop

Saturday, May 29, 2022

Marriage is walking through the yard picking up dog poop and pondering why you got a very middling answer when you ask your husband if we'll be together forever - and not blow up like every other marriage.

Not a great thing after a relative with the "perfect" marriage tells you that her husband is horribly depressed and has moved out for a while to fix himself. Not good at all.

I don't think I'd be devastated if he left, but I'd just like to KNOW. I have felt for over 20 years that there's a knife hanging over my head that's going to fall one day.

Suckage.

The world is upside down. Everywhere.

UPDATE: After discussion, I found out that when I ask him that question, my husband was taken about that I would ever doubt it and ask about it - hence the weird answer. I believe him. And I believe in him. I have to just accept that he is here now and wants to be and I hope/think that will be forever.

Libraries are the Museums of Human Spirit

Today I am sitting in my favorite "weekend chair" in the sunny front room without a TV, enjoying my first day off this week and one of my only days off in 2022 that I haven't had a kidney stone, SIBO, migraine or headcold virus. 

But yesterday, I went to the library after work just to hang out, like in the old days, to enjoy the quiet and start my "weekend". It was the same, but different. Same stacks, same layout, same kid groups using the common rooms and same patient librarians at the front desk. And I had an epiphany. While perusing the stacks for the books that were supposed to be on the shelf - but weren't - and walking among all the patrons using their laptops and sitting on a comfy sofa where there was NO breeze and it was stifling....a thought hit me that I'm not sure I have ever had before.

Every single book (or DVD or audio CD) on those shelves represented a story that someone wanted to tell. Something that a human being wanted to put down on paper or media and get it out there. To share to the world. Every one was a wish by a human that did not want it to be forgotten. Hundreds of them. Thousands of them. Millions of them. Humans who wanted to share their thoughts and ideas with the human race. I saw each one as a person with a will to be seen. To be heard. To be remembered.

Maybe I'm only seeing this because I only have a few decades to go (if I'm lucky) and in my late years, I've developed the artist in me. I want to leave a piece of me behind. I want to share how I see the world through my eyes. I want to be real. Permanent. I want to matter.

I may or may not believe or go to an Afterlife. That's not for me to know. What I want to know right now is that my presence on this earth is valuable in some way. I don't have the confidence to feel that anyone else needs to know what I see, but I do. 

To all the humans out there, all the spirits that want to share themselves, I hope we all get to see each other as we want to be seen in the eternal beingness of the Universe after this mortal time. It might make it worth it.

The End of Our Freedoms

 May 9, 2022

I have been writing this entry in my head for weeks but have been putting it off because I didn't want to verbalize the awfulness. I've been reading Twitter nonstop just to see people put into words the screaming voice I hear in my own head. The stress has been steady and throbbing with the war on Ukraine still in full force and the war on democracy still slowing grinding on.

Today is my first Mother's Day with no "children" since all my children are now officially adults. And it has been weird, although not just for the reason you would think. My boys both signed my card with lovely thoughts, my (remaining) daughter gave me a goodie basket I love and my husband took care of meals all day. It was something else much more important.

The weirdness started Monday night, I think. Someone released a draft opinion from the Supreme Court...and they are going to overturn Roe v Wade. A Constitutional right I've had my entire life which allowed me and all American women the freedom to control our reproductive system is being taken away. And I cannot talk about it with my husband because he is probably overjoyed. He has always wanted it and when he found out that I was prochoice during this last six years of political debacle, he said I was a murderer, even though I'm the only woman he's ever loved who hasn't gotten pregnant out of wedlock and never had an abortion. So...we can't talk about it at all. 

I'm feeling violated, traumatized and so stressed and cannot talk about it with anyone except a couple of very close girlfriends and my daughter. It's been hell. Since the news broke, multiple state legislatures and governors have said they will use the new release of "privacy laws" this protected and begin measures to outlaw contraception, racial intermarriage and gay rights. 

It's fucking The Handmaid's Tale. And 70% of the country doesn't want it. But the ultraright has been working on this for decades while we've been following the law. And they're winning. Laws don't matter anymore and the Supreme Court is the least ethical SC I've ever seen.

So every day I walk around in a daze and totally confused. I have to get my act together and get the graduation celebration on track for my youngest's graduation in June. Since he actually has COVID this week - oh, yeah, another craziness to add to my stress - I don't have to worry about him getting it the week before his ceremony I suppose. I scheduled myself for a booster at the end of this week to protect myself and hope that's enough. It was hard enough to plan a birthday celebration when he turned 18 because I was so depressed by it - this will be just as hard. Trying to be happy for him when I'm crying inside for me is the absolute worst.

I know I've avoided this empty nest issue until I turned 60, so I am grateful for that. I can't imagine doing it younger and having a marriage so stressed at the same time-and having so much more time ahead. At least I only have a couple decades of life left. When we had the boys we also had a very stressed marriage and survived, so I guess we can survive this, too. I'm at the age when I don't even think about starting over. I'm too tired and too sick. and will never be in love again (and don't want to) so I'm sticking it out here.

I can't believe I'm living through this right now. Pro-choice will become history. We might lose contraceptive rights. The POC and LGBTQ+ community may lose rights they've fought for for decades and finally have.

WTF is going on? I keep hoping the people I love will see what is happening one day, but it will be too late. Worse yet, they might think it's a good thing.

I've finished raising my children ..and now when I could enjoy free time, COVID is still around, the political climate is deadly and Russia has started a crazy war. So much for a relaxing retirement in my future. 

At least I am no longer fertile, I have a house, a job and everything I need. I will have to just wear blinders and be grateful for what I have and how I can help anyone who will need help in the future.

It's nuts. And so am I.

Lord help me.