Sept 14, 2023
Meditation today seemed impossible. It doesn't help that I haven't tried (outside laying in my bed trying to sleep) in a very long time - it seems my mind doesn't want to release it's hold because it is afraid of what will happen if I don't attend.
I didn't used to feel this way. Once I got my own to-do list off my mind, I was able to float away into nothing and hope that God or the Universe would hold me while I was there. Now, when I try to relax, I am gripped by the terror of what will happen if I don't pay attention.
Part of it is the entire atmosphere of the world and country. While we're not at the whims of the Sweet Potato Hitler who is no longer in charge of the world (thank God), many of my countrymen are. Every day another shooting. Two this last month at the UNC Chapel Hill campus alone. Every day is terrifying. Every day we see what one of our political parties want to do to our countrymen. Ban crossing state lines for medical procedures where they are legal. Firing elected officials and state Supreme Court justices (WI) and school board members to further a ChristoNationalFascist agenda. Unaffordable living that keeps all 3 of my grown children (2 in college and 1 working full time) living with us so they can learn or work or live. They do not have the options we took for granted - peace, a living wage, acceptance.
I'm terrified every day. I try to meditate/pray/ignore and alternate that with doom scrolling to see how bad it is today.
And my body keeps sending me speedbumps to halt any progress - COVID/melanoma/plastic surgery - all in the last 2 months. I feel like I've lost so much and it keeps taking more.
I am trying with all my soul to revive my art spirit. I was so wonderful while I was doing it and it still can be - if I can get in the groove again. Thankfully, the new art desk my hunny gave me for my birthday seems to be really helping. I have a place of serenity - when it's not causing me to throw things.
I don't like being on edge. I don't like not being able to relax with my best friend, my husband, because we are on opposite sides of the political chaos everywhere. I'm horrified by some of his opinions and he is horrified by some of mine. I don't know how we do this for the rest of our lives - except to do it.
I love my family so much - my husband, my wonderful daughter and my amazing sons.
Hanging on day by day here.
Ciao.
L
