I popped in to see them play the last episode of the game that his friend seemed to be playing or creating and it was the final level of a Lego world. The Duplo world. It was immersive and I was in the world made of Duplos and it was beautiful.
And heart wrenching. Because it came back in waves how wonderful that time in my life was and how much I miss it. My Littles. The toys. The basement being a huge playroom for them. It hurts my heart so much just thinking about it.
And then I realized one of the reasons why my husband may need to do so many things right now. Because it helps the pain of the loss. Putting ourselves back in the world and doing rather than observing. It's just a survival thing to do. And I realize I need to get well and do it too. Because this pain hurts too much.
I realized that maybe this is why we are supposed to die, because sometimes the pain is unbearable. When I go to that place, it grabs my heart and squeezes. I can't breathe. Not even to release the cry that's in my lungs. My children are alive but my babies are gone forever. The babies who need my milk, the toddlers who need my arms, my school age kids who needed my teaching and my teenagers... almost gone.. don't need me to rebel against me anymore.
But it looks like I'm here for a while. So I'm going to heal myself, enjoy my life and find a new reason to live.
But right now, it sucks.
