Part 1:
I don't want to get out of bed. I don't want to do housework. Or real work.
I don't want to straighten or organize it clean
I don't want to go out. I don't want to shop or see movies or eat dinner.
It's all too damn hard.
Too much pain to get out of bed. Too much effort to take a shower and get ready to go anywhere. Too hard to sit up in a chair for long to make anyplace comfortable. Every single move is an effort of will, determined by my mind but not enjoyed by my body. But it's not just pain.
I have no feelings except the edge of a huge dark hole of depression gnawing away at the edges of my awareness, threatening to take over my mind the minute I give up.
So I don't give up. I take a big breath and get out of bed. I take pain meds and I take a shower and run errands. I take more meds to do things with my family and enjoy the beauty I find with them.
But I don't want to. I don't want to do anything.
Damn this is hard.
Part 2:
I made a day out of it. I ran away to the library.
It is a short day of daylight right. I'm watching long shadows across the road from the library window and sunset is looming - and it's only 4pm. These days I'm always trying to get out of my house during the daylight - but home before the sun sets.
I need the sunlight, as much as I can't stay outside long without burning up and turning as red as a lobster. But I know it fends off my depression and the next couple of months as it is the darkest time of year will be a burden for me as it is every year.
Anti depressants don't work for me. They flatten my emotions, sure, and then I don't feel anything, which is good sometimes. But they give me high blood pressure, make me unable to pee and put weight on me. All in all, not good. I'm hoping starting to use the medicinal herbals will help with the :)
I wanted to curl up with a good book today and just enjoy the time here. I think I will :)
