Jan 5, 2025
Getting through each day is getting harder and harder.
I'm sure it's related to the state of the country and the new President being an absolute mental case. I know we will all suffer from enormous greed and stupidity. I will be glad if we only lose money and not our Freedom of Speech and other rights. It's just so incredible and frightening.
So - given that, I'm sure that would make anyone feel bad. I'm fighting depression, anxiety, artist block and health issues that make me tired and nauseous.
I'm so sad right now because I haven't felt like painting for months, so now when I try, it's obvious I need practice. But the practice is so embarrassing and not enjoyable at all.
Football has been 24x7 for hubby now so we aren't doing much together. I don't try to watch football anymore, because I barely have interest in the things I love, much less the things I don't care about.
I walk around all day not knowing why I am on this planet. I never felt purpose until I had children and then I was laser focused on them. Now, after 40 years, I am finally done with that and the purposelessness is drowning me.
What can I do? I can't become a political activist (although I do email and post on my SM, but that's not much) because of my health and it would strain my marriage - which I love. Politics didn't matter when we fell in love and married and I won't let it ruin it now.
I try to find meaning and purpose. Keeping the house clean. Organizing the chaos of life. Little things, but there is really nothing. I've lost the ability to dance. I can barely exercise, although I am trying to do a little every single day just to create a habit. I'm also trying to do something with art every day just to keep my hand in it, regardless of the quality. I'm really trying.
I've been trying to find reasons to stay alive, other than for my family. Nothing is working.
But I'm so lost and floundering. I keep looking for something fun to watch or pay attention to, and there's just nothing. Everyone is waiting for the other shoe to drop, including me.
