Heart hurt

 Monday, Feb 20

We went for a walk around Centennial Lake this afternoon. I made myself do it because the Buproprion I tried for the last week gave me tachycardia again so I had to stop - and seems 30 minutes of exercise a day can work as well as meds. So we walked.

We walked for almost 3 miles around around the lake and it was beautiful, but I was dead by the second mile. I made it to the end and through the grocery store with George and then laid on the bed at home until I was too hungry to stay there.

Dinner and dishes and TV are done and I'm getting ready for bed - but the painful pressure on my heart comes back. It is there when I rest or when I move. I just have to push through and remember the things I need to do and have to do and ignore the hurt in my heart until it's time to go to bed. That's depression. 

I did realize that this is the year our house changes. It is slowly changing from a "kid" house to "our house" - mine and George's. Without kids. We never had that before. I was pregnant from the day we moved into this house. And now we have to make it our own. We are 22 years older and I'm not sure what it will turn out to be. I wish we could be those crazy 30-somethings who started this whole thing.

Time to go to bed and turn off the hurt.

Depression

I have depression.  I've had episodes since I was a teenager,  along with anxiety.  This is one of those episodes.

I wake up each morning without anything to look forward to.  Every single thing I do is an effort. I don't want to do anything.  Anything. 

I started taking my buproprion again,  but half the dose. I had to do something.  I'll give myself credit.. I'm always looking for solutions. 

This is miserable.  Well,  actually more like feelingless. Day after day.  I feel like I'm wasting my life but really,  what else do I need to do? My children are all adults.  I'm getting ready to retire soon. I'm done and have no purpose.  For now.  

I am trying to read more,  and it helps,  but not for long.  I scroll Twitter endlessly just to feel something.  Maybe the anxiety from the political idiocracy helps keeping me from going down further into the constant downward pull into the pit in my soul. 

I'm so tired of this crap.  The constant struggle with pain, or itching, or anxiety attacks or depression episodes. I'm so tired.