Depression- the "gift" that keeps on giving

 Saturday February 10 2024

I woke up today the way I've woken up countless mornings - with a lump in my stomach which drags it down to my gut and then the development of a deep and sorrowful wound in my insides.

Depression from the moment I become conscious.

This has been much more intense the last few years, probably because all the life experiences that used to keep me running around like a crazy person have subsided: college, marriage, moving, childbirth, full time working mom, single mom, stay at home with 2 baby boys mom, homeschooling mom.....etc.

My life is quieter and the horrible sorrow in my soul becomes more and more evident.

My body is not my own

April 10, 2024

I have only realized recently that I have been asking more of my body than it could do for my entire life.

When I was in middle school, I could only run the 50 yard dash well. For any distance further than that, I would get a horrible stitch in my side and that was the end of that.

When I was 13 and taking ballet classes, which I ADORED, I would come home after my 1 hr classes and lay on the sofa, totally drained for the remainder of the day. Needless to say, I didn't take them more than once a week and although it crushed me at the time, I realized that physically I wasn't able. At the time, I thought it was a mental failing and blamed myself for not going further, not doing better.

After college, taking Jazzercise with Mom, I would do great for the 40 minute class but flush wildly red and look like I was going to pass out afterwards. I thought it was just because I was out of shape, but I wasn't overweight (at times I was underweight), and no amount of physical activity would get me IN shape.

My body cannot do what the average body can do and it never did. At 62, I am still asking my body to do that of an average woman my age - and I cannot. Not even a little. 

But I have never listened and push myself every day to do more than it really feels comfortable. I'll never build the stamina or build muscles now, and now because I don't try, I'm lazy or even because I have fibro and a bum spine or any of my other 47 ailments - it's because I  never could.

For most of my life, my body was just a vehicle to perform what my mind could imagine. Dancing, running, yoga, swimming, anything was possible until I got exhausted or it hurt too much.

Now, my life revolves so  much around what my body can tolerate. Sleep until my hips ache or my headache starts (and it's never until I'm refreshed). Drink until I get a headache (which is almost immediately). Walk until my back feels like Atlas supporting the world or my feet are on fire. The list never ends. It seems crazy and backwards and I feel a prisoner of my body.

But it has never been able to keep up with my hopes and dreams.