Another day, another new start...

Twenty-nine days after I first felt an unexplained nausea, I finally passed my kidney stone from hell. A half centimeter of sheer agony finally  just "dropped out" after weeks of agony, gallons of water, constipating doses of narcotics and a lithotripsy treatment that left unexpected large and ugly bruises on my thighs. 

So, I've basically lost a month of my life. I'm used to losing days or even a week or more to my various degrees of illness these last few years, but I'm still reeling from losing a month. It's not that I was in bed the whole time - although a good deal of it was spent trying to either get comfortable by laying down or sleeping to avoid the pain - rather, it's that the nausea, pain and constant urinary tension never let up the entire month and it ruled my life. Except for a day or two,  my life was ruled by this nightmare that my kidney decided to let go. Even better? I have 2 or 3 more in each kidney just sitting there. I've always had stones in my kidneys anytime I've been xrayed or CT'd, so I know that any time another one might break loose and start a hellacious journey again. Just great.

I'm getting good at getting back on my feet again. But I'm getting tired. Each "break" from life seems to last longer, takes more recovery time to get back up to speed and I lose days and now weeks I can never get back. When you're over 50 like I am, that takes on a whole new meaning and urgency. I want time with my boys, damn it! And I want to be a whole mom, not only partially there. They are SO good when I am sick, bless their hearts. They - and my wonderful hubby - never complain that mom is in bed again. And my daughters call to check in as best they can with their busy 20-something lives. They just come by with kisses occasionally and love it when I'm up again.

So, really, that's all I can ask, isn't it? Thank you, Lord, after all. Because I always have these lovely faces to greet me when I'm "back to life" again. Thank God. I'll never take that for granted.

Amen.

If you haven't got your health, you haven't gotten anything....

"If you haven't got your health, you haven't got anything"....

I remember this phrase from my childhood as a commercial phrase, but ever since it was in the movie Princess Bride, it's become sort of a comical catch phrase that I have only recently begun to appreciate. Especially on days like today.

I've been in the process of processing a lovely large 5mm kidney stone for the better part of a month  now.  22 days exactly. Last week it became acute and sent me to the ER where I got the major pain meds to send me back home and on my way until it decided to make it's final appearance (or my scheduled lithotripsy procedure on 10/1). A day after I got home from the ER, it moved to a much better neighborhood lower in my poor ureter and I have gotten more and more comfortable each day until I woke up this morning pain free. Yea! Since we had a day planned with all fun family activities, I was very happy with the timing.

We spent the entire day on our first "official" homeschool field trip with hubby in tow as well - and I was on my feet the better part of 5 hours with hardly a thought of discomfort except for my sore back, which is just normal for me. I was amazed! It was such a gift! We came home in time to go run some errands for our Cub Scout meeting tonight and get over there to enjoy time with our boys and their friends and parents.

It is days like this when I truly love my family, my blessings, God's goodness and all things good in life. Even though it was busy, it was doable - and we got through it with flying colors. Finally got to rest a little and drank a hard cider - the first alcohol I had dared since I went to the ER. Except for the happiness that they weren't bothering me, I hardly gave a thought to my kidney stones. And that is the way it should be. That is life. That is living.

Then it hit again. I realized I wasn't able to urinate. The pressure started again. The pain in my kidneys started flaring up. I realized I had hit a snag again. This baby is NOT coming out as planned after all. I may be looking at another ER visit soon. I may be in for more vomit-inducing pain and agony again. I was blessed with having 3 doses of major pain meds left from last week and thank the great and good Lord, they are working for the moment which is the only reason I can write. However - it totally brought my "normal" day to a halt. My first good day in 22 and my run is over. Damn.

If you haven't got your health, you haven't got anything. So true. So true. Stay tuned for further updates....

Walking on sunshine....

My spinal fusion surgery was 2.5 years ago.

I am enjoying the good feeling of being on Cipro for a horrible infection last week.

The weather is B.E.A....utiful today. So I walked.

I woke up at 7am to wonderful sunshine in my window, quiet in the house and feeling as normal as I do anymore. And no aches! But I had the nagging memory of the nurse at the urgent care center telling me I had HIGH blood pressure at 133 over something. I about dropped in my tracks. I have had extremely LOW blood pressure almost all my life. In fact, it didn't start to rise until I started being a SAHM with my boys. I figured that should explain it :) And maybe it was because I had some sort of awful bladder/kidney infection raging last week that spiked my BP. Not sure, but the irritating thought of it and how different my lifestyle was that was contributing to it got my butt out of bed and out the door.

I remember how mentally calming and physically invigorating those walks used to be. I loved them. I felt spiritually restored by them. I miss them. And as much as I try, I have to be honest, they feel nothing like that anymore. And most of it has changed in the last couple of years.

The main change is my legs. I am SO grateful to God, my surgeon and science that my surgery worked so well. I am pain free 99% of the time. But - my surgeon wasn't able to correct my vertebrae shift, only stabilize it. And it will never be straight again. So although I am free from pain, my nerves will never be correctly aligned again. Hence, my feet will probably always feel like they are somewhat "not attached" to my legs. Yes, they work fine. Yes, I am able to walk and function like most people. However, I cannot feel alot of the nerves that work my lower calves, ankles and mostly feet. After my right leg was temporarily paralyzed after the surgery, I never got all of my nerve function back in that leg and foot. When I walk, the right leg slightly "flops" and my walk "sounds" funny. But the hardest part to adjust to is having to mentally "tell" my feet and legs to walk.

If you've never had numbness in your feet, you may not understand this. Most of us take walking for granted - way too much for granted. We simply focus on where we want to go and our feet take us there. We don't even think about it. Something changed after my surgery and I HAVE to think about where I want my feet to go. Some nerve somewhere is dead and I have to think about putting one foot in front of the other every time I go for a walk. Weird, huh? A bummer, too, because it turns a lovely walk into a whole different experience. 

It is still beautiful, but an effort. Instead of marveling at the beautiful of the world and the walk, part of  me has to remember to pickup each foot so I don't hurl myself at the sidewalk. So a small part of my brain is always distracted - and I must say, a little pissed off at having to do it. Mad because I will never feel as healthy or fit as I did, no matter how I look. And the blood pressure issue just makes that more apparent.

But I am still that person inside. I still love beautiful morning walks in the quiet. I still remember how wonderful they are. And so I keep trying. Maybe one day. Maybe. 

Peace out.