I am enjoying the good feeling of being on Cipro for a horrible infection last week.
The weather is B.E.A....utiful today. So I walked.
I woke up at 7am to wonderful sunshine in my window, quiet in the house and feeling as normal as I do anymore. And no aches! But I had the nagging memory of the nurse at the urgent care center telling me I had HIGH blood pressure at 133 over something. I about dropped in my tracks. I have had extremely LOW blood pressure almost all my life. In fact, it didn't start to rise until I started being a SAHM with my boys. I figured that should explain it :) And maybe it was because I had some sort of awful bladder/kidney infection raging last week that spiked my BP. Not sure, but the irritating thought of it and how different my lifestyle was that was contributing to it got my butt out of bed and out the door.
I remember how mentally calming and physically invigorating those walks used to be. I loved them. I felt spiritually restored by them. I miss them. And as much as I try, I have to be honest, they feel nothing like that anymore. And most of it has changed in the last couple of years.
The main change is my legs. I am SO grateful to God, my surgeon and science that my surgery worked so well. I am pain free 99% of the time. But - my surgeon wasn't able to correct my vertebrae shift, only stabilize it. And it will never be straight again. So although I am free from pain, my nerves will never be correctly aligned again. Hence, my feet will probably always feel like they are somewhat "not attached" to my legs. Yes, they work fine. Yes, I am able to walk and function like most people. However, I cannot feel alot of the nerves that work my lower calves, ankles and mostly feet. After my right leg was temporarily paralyzed after the surgery, I never got all of my nerve function back in that leg and foot. When I walk, the right leg slightly "flops" and my walk "sounds" funny. But the hardest part to adjust to is having to mentally "tell" my feet and legs to walk.
If you've never had numbness in your feet, you may not understand this. Most of us take walking for granted - way too much for granted. We simply focus on where we want to go and our feet take us there. We don't even think about it. Something changed after my surgery and I HAVE to think about where I want my feet to go. Some nerve somewhere is dead and I have to think about putting one foot in front of the other every time I go for a walk. Weird, huh? A bummer, too, because it turns a lovely walk into a whole different experience.
It is still beautiful, but an effort. Instead of marveling at the beautiful of the world and the walk, part of me has to remember to pickup each foot so I don't hurl myself at the sidewalk. So a small part of my brain is always distracted - and I must say, a little pissed off at having to do it. Mad because I will never feel as healthy or fit as I did, no matter how I look. And the blood pressure issue just makes that more apparent.
But I am still that person inside. I still love beautiful morning walks in the quiet. I still remember how wonderful they are. And so I keep trying. Maybe one day. Maybe.
Peace out.
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