The End of Our Freedoms

 May 9, 2022

I have been writing this entry in my head for weeks but have been putting it off because I didn't want to verbalize the awfulness. I've been reading Twitter nonstop just to see people put into words the screaming voice I hear in my own head. The stress has been steady and throbbing with the war on Ukraine still in full force and the war on democracy still slowing grinding on.

Today is my first Mother's Day with no "children" since all my children are now officially adults. And it has been weird, although not just for the reason you would think. My boys both signed my card with lovely thoughts, my (remaining) daughter gave me a goodie basket I love and my husband took care of meals all day. It was something else much more important.

The weirdness started Monday night, I think. Someone released a draft opinion from the Supreme Court...and they are going to overturn Roe v Wade. A Constitutional right I've had my entire life which allowed me and all American women the freedom to control our reproductive system is being taken away. And I cannot talk about it with my husband because he is probably overjoyed. He has always wanted it and when he found out that I was prochoice during this last six years of political debacle, he said I was a murderer, even though I'm the only woman he's ever loved who hasn't gotten pregnant out of wedlock and never had an abortion. So...we can't talk about it at all. 

I'm feeling violated, traumatized and so stressed and cannot talk about it with anyone except a couple of very close girlfriends and my daughter. It's been hell. Since the news broke, multiple state legislatures and governors have said they will use the new release of "privacy laws" this protected and begin measures to outlaw contraception, racial intermarriage and gay rights. 

It's fucking The Handmaid's Tale. And 70% of the country doesn't want it. But the ultraright has been working on this for decades while we've been following the law. And they're winning. Laws don't matter anymore and the Supreme Court is the least ethical SC I've ever seen.

So every day I walk around in a daze and totally confused. I have to get my act together and get the graduation celebration on track for my youngest's graduation in June. Since he actually has COVID this week - oh, yeah, another craziness to add to my stress - I don't have to worry about him getting it the week before his ceremony I suppose. I scheduled myself for a booster at the end of this week to protect myself and hope that's enough. It was hard enough to plan a birthday celebration when he turned 18 because I was so depressed by it - this will be just as hard. Trying to be happy for him when I'm crying inside for me is the absolute worst.

I know I've avoided this empty nest issue until I turned 60, so I am grateful for that. I can't imagine doing it younger and having a marriage so stressed at the same time-and having so much more time ahead. At least I only have a couple decades of life left. When we had the boys we also had a very stressed marriage and survived, so I guess we can survive this, too. I'm at the age when I don't even think about starting over. I'm too tired and too sick. and will never be in love again (and don't want to) so I'm sticking it out here.

I can't believe I'm living through this right now. Pro-choice will become history. We might lose contraceptive rights. The POC and LGBTQ+ community may lose rights they've fought for for decades and finally have.

WTF is going on? I keep hoping the people I love will see what is happening one day, but it will be too late. Worse yet, they might think it's a good thing.

I've finished raising my children ..and now when I could enjoy free time, COVID is still around, the political climate is deadly and Russia has started a crazy war. So much for a relaxing retirement in my future. 

At least I am no longer fertile, I have a house, a job and everything I need. I will have to just wear blinders and be grateful for what I have and how I can help anyone who will need help in the future.

It's nuts. And so am I.

Lord help me.