Choices

The older I get and the more I realize I need to modify my life to work with my illness, the more I realize that my life is more and more about choices. I know life has always been about choices, of course. I've had to choose friends, classes, jobs, mates, homes...not all wise choices the first time, I'll grant you, but I did get better with practice and learned how to make better choices. These are not the choices I'm faced with now.

As anyone familiar with Christine Miseradino's Spoon Theory knows, a person with a chronic illness has a limited number of "spoons" of energy to ration out to spend each day. The necessity of choosing how to use these spoons becomes apparent as soon as the illness appears, but the awareness of the choices we are making doesn't happen as fast. I've been living with an invisible illness for six years and I felt the effects of my autoimmune disease for years before I was diagnosed, but it wasn't until recently that I realized that EVERYTHING I do, including my relationships, I need to do with the limited energy I have.

I had noticed in the last few years that I hadn't been keeping up with my friends as much as before. I attributed that to being in my late forties (now fifties) and taking care of my youngest two children at such a late age as well as watching my grandchildren occasionally. I knew I was doing my best and even though I spent some days in bed, I thought I was living a pretty "normal" life dealing with my illness. Until my best friend had surgery.

Two years ago, I also had major spinal surgery. It took months to recover from the surgery itself and the resulting temporary paralysis in one of  my legs. I know how much love and support I needed to get through those times - and I remember going through that time with a sort of "blinders on" mentality to keep my focused and recovering. I don't remember if my BFF came to see me at the hospital or home or how much we kept in touch. I really don't - and it doesn't matter to me - but when she had surgery two weeks ago and I couldn't find the time or energy to go visit her, I realized how much I had changed. Before my illness, I would have dropped everything I had planned and worked a visit to her into my busy schedule. Now, I don't have anything left of myself for friendships anymore. If I can't talk to you on the phone or text message you or Facebook chat with you....I can't keep up our friendship. I don't have it in me. I save what little energy I have for 1) my immediate family, 2) my household chores and 3) my part time job, which is becoming more and more optional each day also. If my job didn't entail selling a product I completely love and use myself, I would have quit years ago! My friendships don't even make the list...and I feel so awful because that even includes my extended family. I can't use a whole days' energy to travel a few hours to see family for a picnic, because I need that energy to either rest, catch up on housework, or spend it with my immediate family. I feel lazy, but I know deep in my soul that it is not that. I need to rest in the morning because I wake up swollen and sore and foggy. I have a few good hours where I need to put  my house and family in order and get them through dinner, then I am wiped out and keep myself awake to put my boys to sleep and have a little quiet time before I go back to sleep.

I realize that I have chosen to let my friendships fall aside. I feel awful about that. I love and care about my friends, but while they are leading their busy lives, I am making the choices I need to spend my "good" hours with my closest loved ones. I hope they know and understand this and I hope one day I can forgive myself for not being the friend I used to be - or wanted to be.

I didn't choose my illness...but I am choosing how to spend the "good" hours I do have. I am doing the best that I can. I am choosing to accept this. Choices are hard.