I came back from vacation angry

Saturday night two weeks ago, I came back from vacation angry. For no apparent reason other than Florida being as hot as the face of the sun in July.

Ten days later, I've lived through such intense days of depression and now have moved into extreme anxiety that never seems to end.

Can't-take-a-breath anxiety.

Dreams-of-being-abducted-and-trying-to-signal-for-help level of anxiety.

I don't know what has stirred all this up. It could honestly be anything...the world in general is a complete mess right now. 

The Delta variant of COVID has spiked hugely in non-vaccinated states. We dodged a bullet during our Florida vacation to maskless Disney World...they went back to masking the week after we left and Florida is being overrun with COVID cases and deaths. And the governor is mad at people complaining he's FORBIDDEN mask ordinances!! The heat made him crazy....best guess, right?

Nothing can make the world feel normal or safe again. Disney was as close as I can get, and it felt lovely as it could while I was melting from the climate change Hell that is Earth now.

I had two lovely epiphanies this week, however, and I want to make sure I stop and appreciate them before they're lost.

First - this one was given to me by my anxiety sister, Tana. I had told her the story of how my Nanny had cried over me. During a family event at her house, I had gotten overwhelmed/bored/anxious as usual and retreated to her bedroom to read a book. Always the best place for me. Nanny followed me in and was in tears saying she was so worried about me. 

That has haunted me my whole life. Not only had I worried and disappointed myself because I couldn't handle crowds and gatherings, now I had disappointed the grandparent I loved most in the world by just being myself. It couldn't make me hate myself more.

But Tana said..."maybe she was worried she couldn't protect you from what she went through". I didn't understand at first. But she reminded me that Nanny was the one in the family with anxiety. She needed her daily Scotch Mist at 4pm every day to get through. She self-medicated her anxiety. And maybe...just maybe...she felt terrible that I was that way, too. I don't know, but it was such a different take on the situation and made me feel much better. Maybe she just felt bad for ME having to be the way I was. 

Second, I had a thunderbolt moment that came from I don't know where. I realized that so many women near me had to deal with narcissistic people in their life and I didn't know why they had to be subjected to that. I get so angry when I feel how they were treated. And that thought came together at the same time I was talking with Tana about how I have "had a wall up" my whole life that kept people out. I've never been picked up at a bar, never attracted people as friends, etc. My terror and mistrust of people has turned into a wall that keeps people away. 

A grey rock wall.

I've been grey rocking narcissists since I put up my wall as a child and they don't get through. I put off the vibe that I won't allow any bullshit so they don't bother. I guess. I have seen it that way for the first time and it is so freeing!

I started thinking about that one time I was corralled into a room with two narcissists in my extended family and verbally assaulted....I totally grey rocked. It was still traumatic and I had PTSD for years afterwards, but I remember the sense of total calm that came over me as I didn't respond and how they totally lost it and ran off in hysterical anger. It felt like a near miss...but it was my grey rock wall saving me again.

They've been furious at me ever since and I'm glad. Now I know they can't hurt me.

So...I've saved myself. Over and over again. I've suffered from my feelings of inadequacy that build the wall...but I'm so sensitive to people's body language and attitude and feelings that it's the only thing that has saved me from overload.  So it's the place I have to live to survive this life.

And these days, every day is overload. Every where I turn, the crazy of the world slams against my walls. Narcissists are multiplying like rabbits. For Lord's sake, we one for President!!

My walls aren't high enough anymore for the world. It's been years now of the post-truth, reality challenged, COVID killing world. 

I don't think we're every going back to normal.

The planet won't get cooler again.

People won't get nicer again.

Politics won't be "gentlemanly" again.

My vertebra won't back into place again.

Okay....so I understand the anger and depression and anxiety that roil up every day and bubble over.

I just don't know how to live with it.

And I'm so sad for my children....